Why Divorce Court Was Invented
by Red Witch
Summary: Just when the X-Men's personal lives couldn't get more complicated...


** Bells are ringing over the disclaimer that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. My muse has been quiet lately until I checked out some of the latest X-Men comics. Then it gave me ideas. Bad ideas. This might be a one shot. This might not. Not sure. All know is that there is a reason….**

**Why Divorce Court Was Invented**

"Anybody know what this meeting is about?" Bobby asked as all the students of the Xavier Institute as they made their way to the living room. "Because if this is about those feathers in the garage I'm telling you that wasn't me! This time."

"It's probably because of those dang cookies Kitty made," Rogue groaned. "Ugh I can still taste them!"

"What did you put in them to make them **green?**" Jean asked Kitty. "Please say it was food coloring?"

"Uh sort of…" Kitty admitted. "You see…"

"Forget it," Rogue interrupted. "I don't want to know. Mr. McCoy do you know what this is all about?"

"I'm not sure myself Rogue," Hank said as they made their way. "I think it has something to do with what happened at that Mutant Right's convention the Professor, Logan and Ororo attended over the weekend."

"Well there were no reports of explosions on the news so it couldn't have been too bad," Scott remarked. "Maybe something good happened for once?"

"Why do I have the feeling that statement is about to be severely disproven?" Hank sighed.

"Professor we're all here," Jean said as they arrived. Xavier was in the study with Logan and Ororo. "So how was the conference?"

"You don't want to know," Logan groaned.

"That bad?" Scott asked. "What the delegates didn't like you or something?"

"I'm afraid for once anti-mutant sentiment wasn't our biggest obstacle during the convention," Ororo looked angry and upset.

"I thought we all agreed that I would tell them and you would let me handle this," Xavier looked at the other two.

"Only because I'm not taking the rap for this one," Logan grunted.

"Logan!" Ororo barked.

"Well it wasn't my fault!" Logan snarled. "I'm telling you Chuck you have made some real questionable decisions in the past but this takes the cake!"

"Logan…" Xavier sighed.

"Well he's not wrong," Ororo sighed.

"Will you let me handle this?" Xavier said.

"Professor what's wrong? What happened at the conference?" Jean was worried. "Some new anti-mutant legislation being passed? More Sentinels?"

"I wish," Logan groaned. "That stuff is child's play compared to this!"

"Logan! Please!" Xavier protested. "The conference on its own wasn't so bad. Some very interesting discussions. Made some interesting connections."

"Ho ho ha!" Logan made a fake laugh. "That's putting it mildly!"

"Will you please…?" Xavier began.

"Right wing senators in men's bathroom stalls make interesting connections," Logan barked. "You…"

"Logan! Let him explain!" Ororo barked. "Because he really needs to."

"Professor what's going on?" Scott asked.

"Well there was a little…incident in Nevada…" Xavier coughed. "Not really important on how it happened…"

"I think it is," Logan growled. "I think you should tell them Chuck."

"Yes, Charles," Ororo glared at Xavier. "Please do explain to the students what happened. Because I don't understand!"

"I don't think we need to go into a lot of details about what happened," Xavier looked a little upset.

"Yes, I think we do," Ororo folded her arms.

"Think of this as a teachable moment," Logan remarked.

"Why? What happened in Nevada?" Jean asked. "Professor I'm getting this really disturbed vibe off of you."

"I'm not even a telepath and I can feel that," Bobby pointed out. "In fact you have this weird look on your face."

"Yeah it's the same look Bobby has whenever he screws up," Ray chimed in.

"I was just thinking the same thing!" Kitty realized.

"No wonder it looks so familiar," Bobby realized.

"I did not screw up…" Xavier defended himself.

"Well technically…" Logan began.

"LOGAN! NO!" Xavier shouted. "Just let me tell them!"

"Tell us what?" Rogue asked. "Professor why do you sound like Bobby whenever he's trying to give us a lame excuse for something stupid he did?"

"You have to admit Charles that is a rather perceptive question," Hank frowned. "What did happen in Las Vegas that is making the three of you act so perturbed?"

"You will never believe it," Logan groaned. "For starters Chuck got plastered…"

"I did not!" Xavier snapped. "I mean I admit I had one or two drinks at the Mutant Rights conference."

"More like one or two dozen by the smell of you," Logan growled. "Which is the only reason I can think of for you doing what you did!"

"What did he do?" Scott asked. "Come on will you just tell us already?"

"Yes Charles," Ororo glared. "**Tell **them!"

"Well it's…complicated," Xavier began.

"Charles we need to talk," Magneto floated in with the Brotherhood and Sabertooth behind him.

"Magneto! What are you doing here?" Scott readied he glasses and the other X-Men prepared for a fight.

"Call off your kiddie squad," Sabertooth growled. "I mean I know Mystique wants to do some redecoration but I don't think she had bloodstained walls in mind."

"What does Mystique have to do with this?" Kurt snapped.

"You didn't tell them did you?" Magento sighed.

"No, I was just about to," Xavier sighed. "Stand down. Everyone. Magneto and his associates are guests."

"Since when? And why?" Scott asked.

"He didn't tell you did he?" Lance chuckled.

"Oh man this is gonna be good," Pietro laughed.

"You know?" Rogue snapped.

"Oh yeah. We know," Fred snorted. "You don't?"

"No! We don't know! Professor just what the heck is going on?" Scott asked.

"Well Professor X got drunk at that Mutant Right's convention…" Todd began.

"We know that part!" Kitty was frustrated.

"I wasn't drunk!" Xavier snapped.

"I would not dismiss that theory so lightly Charles," Magneto gave him a look. "Considering the evidence…"

"The Professor does not get drunk!" Jean snapped.

"Well…" Logan, Magneto, Hank and Ororo said at the same time.

"Oh come on!" Xavier protested.

"You come on!" Logan barked. "We all know about your college days."

"And some of your post college days," Magneto added. "You weren't exactly practicing abstinence of alcohol back then."

"Or lately," Ororo added.

"Boy when you all off the wagon Chuck…" Logan groaned.

"Will somebody please tell me what happened?" Rogue snapped. "And why we have to put up with these yahoos?"

"Yes Professor," Pietro giggled. "Do tell. Oh Rogue you and Nightcrawler are going to **love **this!"

"I already love it," Pyro giggled as well.

**"Please!"** Xavier shouted. "All right. Now as I was saying. I may have had…one or two drinks more than I planned when…"

"Charles we need to talk," Mystique walked in. "In the first place I'm going to need a lot more closet room. That bedroom needs serious remodeling."

"WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING HERE?" Rogue shouted as she pointed to Mystique.

"You didn't tell them did you?" Mystique gave Xavier a look.

"No, he did not," Magneto said.

"I was just going to!" Xavier protested.

"You were stalling," Logan grunted.

"I was not!" Xavier said.

"Were too," Logan said.

"I was trying to break the news gently!" Xavier snapped.

"What news?" Jean shouted.

"Professor what the heck is **that woman** doing in this house?" Rogue growled and pointed at Mystique.

"Rogue I am your mother," Mystique corrected. "Okay adopted but still..."

"Trust me I could have called you a lot worse!" Rogue snapped. "I was being **polite!**"

"She does have a point," Logan remarked. "That is pretty mild compared to what I would have called you!"

"Don't you start!" Mystique folded her arms.

"Mystique after what you did I will…" Logan growled.

"Logan please!" Xavier shouted. "Uh students…I called you here to explain that we are getting a new instructor."

"Instructor? Please if it's anything like the lessons Mystique taught us your grades are gonna go downhill," Todd snorted.

"Watch it Toad!" Mystique snapped.

"Wait what?" Kurt did a double take.

"She's staying here?" Rogue shouted. "No way!"

"Professor you can't be serious!" Kitty shouted. "After all the stuff she did?"

"She tried to kill us!" Bobby shouted. "And she blew up the mansion!"

"Well that proves even Mystique has some good points," Pietro snickered.

"Professor normally I trust your judgment and when you say all mutants deserve a second chance I would just accept it!" Jean began. "But **come on!" **

"There is no way in Hell that woman is staying here!" Rogue snapped.

"Rogue's right," Scott said. "Why are you allowing her here? She's dangerous!"

"Because what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas," Pietro quipped.

"PIETRO! QUICKSILVER!" Ororo, Magneto, Mystique and Xavier shouted at once.

"Hey! You guys are just beating around the bush!" Pietro said. "Just tell them and let the fireworks begin!"

"What is he talking about Mother?" Kurt glared at Mystique.

"He means this," Mystique showed them her hand. One of her fingers had a gold ring on it.

"What does a ring have to do with…OH MY GOD!" Kitty gasped.

"That better be some kind of stolen ring of power that causes some kind of mystical stuff," Bobby realized it too.

"Oh please God let that be Bobby's crackpot theory," Sam gulped.

"Nope. It isn't," Mystique sighed.

"I don't understand," Kurt said. "What does a ring have to do with anything?"

"Your son's not the brightest penny in the bunch is he?" Sabertooth groaned.

"What do you expect? Magneto forced me to drop him off a bridge as a baby!" Mystique snapped.

"Don't drag me into this!" Magneto protested.

"Oh no…No, no, no…." Rogue was shaking with rage. "Please do not say what I think you are going to say…"

"Professor…?" Jean was confused.

"Charles and I are married," Mystique said. "See was that so hard?"

"YOU DID WHAT?" Rogue yelled. "PROFESSOR?"

"This is a joke right?" Scott shouted. "Tell me this is a joke!"

"The thing Iceman did with the feathers was a joke! This is a disaster!" Logan barked. Immediately the students began to shout and yell at the same time.

"Oh boy…" Xavier winced.

"Dear God Charles what have you done?" Hank yelled.

"More like who has he done," Pietro remarked.

"I'm gonna be sick…" Kurt moaned.

"No freaking way!" Ray gasped.

"Wow this is way worse than anything I ever did," Bobby said.

"The King of the Screw Ups is dead," Logan pointed to Bobby. Then to Xavier. "Long live the King!"

"I told you it would be worth it to come here and watch!" Lance laughed along with the rest of the Brotherhood.

"I would die!" Pietro laughed. "I would so totally die!"

"Keep it up and you will!" Rogue snapped.

"Yeah come on Pietro," Todd said. "Actually if you think about it, Rogue and Nightcrawler have traded up! With Xavier as their new Daddy those two just took over Jean and Scott's roles as the favorites."

"Look obviously this is a major…" Jean began then stopped. "What do you mean by 'taking over' our roles?"

"Family trumps all Red," Todd shrugged. "Proven fact."

"What do you mean by that?" Jean shouted.

"Come on! Who do you think the Professor is going to trust more now? His actual step kids or you two?" Todd asked. "Just saying blood is thicker than water."

"That is not…WAIT A MINUTE!" Scott shouted. "I'm still trying to process the fact that Mystique **married** the Professor? HOW? WHEN? I DON'T GET IT!"

"Apparently the Professor did in Vegas," Pietro quipped.

"WHAT?" Rogue and Scott yelled at the same time.

"Let me explain," Xavier sighed.

"You had your chance," Magneto snapped. "I'll explain. I sent Mystique undercover to do some basic reconnaissance at the Mutant Right's convention. Nothing major just finding out some information. Of course I didn't tell her to cozy up to Charles at the bar."

"I was just trying to pump him for some information in a borrowed form," Mystique sighed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

"You're the one who got me drunk!" Xavier snapped.

"Yeah I can see that happening," Sabertooth snorted.

"Oh yes. Blame me. You had **nothing** to do with ordering all those tequila shots!" Mystique snapped at Xavier.

"I'm not the one who had that idea of getting away from the party and finding someplace quiet!" Charles snapped.

"Well I'm not the one who suggested that little escapade in the hotel elevator and…" Mystique began.

"STOP!" Rogue yelled. "For the love of God stop right there!"

"Too much information," Kurt looked nauseous. "Way too much information."

"Let me cut to the chase here," Magneto sighed. "When Mystique failed her two call ins I sent Sabertooth to track her down."

"And I found her and Chucky there in the honeymoon suite in the Bellagio Hotel," Sabertooth snorted. "Passed out wearing nothing but their wedding rings."

"Oh God…." Kurt moaned.

"This can't be legal," Rogue realized. "Right? She was pretending to be someone else at the time."

"Rogue's right! It can't be legal if she's someone else!" Jean realized.

"Au contraire Red Hair," Pietro pulled out some papers. "Take a gander at this copy of their wedding certificate with Raven Darkholme's real name. And this picture of the wedding event itself. For once the Elvis impersonator officiating the ceremony was not the most colorful person in the drive in chapel."

"I'm going to be sick…" Scott blinked as he saw the picture. "I am going to be physically ill."

"Take a number!" Rogue moaned.

"But wait! Wait a minute!" Jean was grasping at straws. "The marriage has to be consummated right? The professor is paralyzed from the waist down!"

"Well…" Mystique shrugged. "Not entirely."

"WHAT?" Rogue and Jean yelled.

"Did you guys really forget about Lucas?" Lance asked. "You know? The Professor's crazy kid he had with his wife after he was put in a wheelchair? It was after right?"

"Yes it was," Xavier coughed.

"This is the freakiest stupidest day…" Kitty was shocked. "I mean I know I love juicy gossip but come on! This is too much even for me!"

"AND WHERE WERE YOU TWO WHEN THIS WAS GOING ON?" Scott yelled at Ororo and Logan.

"Yeah you two were supposed to be watching out for him!" Rogue shouted.

"YEAH!" Kurt, Bobby and several other students yelled.

"I'll tell you what they were doing," Sabertooth snickered. "Apparently…"

"Shut up!" Logan growled.

"Hey! I'm not the one who let my personal interests get in the way of my job!" Sabertooth snapped. "I could have very well bust in on that make out session you and the weather witch had but noooo! I decided to save that for later and…"

"STOP!" Scott yelled holding up his hands. "I think if I hear one more thing my head will explode!"

"Go on Sabertooth! Tell us more!" Lance said cheerfully. "Don't leave anything out!"

"I knew those two were going to hook up," Kitty said. "Good for you two!"

"KITTY!" Jean and Rogue shouted.

"What? I'm just saying…" Kitty began. Wanda pointed at Mystique. "Oh right. Not good. Bad, Logan. Bad Storm. Very, very bad."

"Long story short we decided to try and make this marriage work," Mystique said.

"Oh I'll bet you do!" Rogue snapped. "You know this is just one of her schemes right?"

"Exactly!" Scott agreed.

"Rogue is right," Jean said. "Rogue is always right about these things! It's a scheme she cooked up."

"She wishes," Wanda rolled her eyes. "Her schemes usually don't get this far."

"She does have a point," Kitty folded her arms.

"The point is," Xavier was desperately trying to control the situation. "We've been trying to get our two teams to work together for the betterment of mutant kind and I think this marriage will unite us."

"I think this marriage is a good example of why divorce court was invented," Todd quipped. Sabertooth laughed out loud at that.

"Don't forget the pre-nup," Pyro added.

"Oh I forgot all about the pre-nup," Lance said. "You better get a good lawyer Xavier or else…"

"Oh my God I didn't even think about that!" Jean gasped.

"How much you wanna bet Mystique did?" Rogue groaned. "Oh great! One wrong argument and she's gonna get the mansion!"

"Professor why the hell would you do this? Why would you of all people agree to stay married to Mystique?" Scott shouted.

"There's no reason! Why?" Jean shouted in agreement.

"Because he's a guy who hasn't gotten any in a long time?" Todd spoke up. "Duh!"

"And they call us dumb," Fred rolled his eyes.

"Well…" Xavier admitted sheepishly.

"Oh Dear God…" Kurt moaned. "Great, my terrorist mother is married to my professor! The Den Mother of the Brotherhood is going to be…Oh no…"

"Oh god they're not moving in too are they?" Scott pointed to the Brotherhood.

"God no!" Lance barked.

"No, they aren't," Magneto said. "I will be checking in on you from time to time."

"Building a strong case for a divorce attorney," Todd remarked.

"You kids might want to look for a new place to live in case those two go Splitsville," Pietro cackled.

"Oh God we're doomed," Scott realized. "BAD LOGAN! BAD STORM!"

"Why are you blaming…?" Logan began. "Oh right. And I suppose now Sabertooth is going to have some plot to kill the Professor or something?"

"Kill him? Why would I do that?" Sabertooth chuckled. "Why would I spare him the misery she caused me? Good luck Charley! You're gonna need it! HA HA HA HA!"

"Actually I see your point," Logan groaned.

"Wait what?" Xavier did a double take. "Raven I knew about you and Logan but you and **him?**"

"Wow you kids really did get to know each other before you got hitched didn't you?" Pietro laughed. "I would **die!**"

"Wait what about you and Logan?" Rogue looked back and forth. "And you and Sabertooth?"

"Uh…." Mystique coughed.

"Uhhhhh…" Logan coughed.

"WHAT?" Ororo shouted. "Wait a minute! You and her…?"

"Congradulations Iceman," Pyro quipped. "You are no longer the biggest screw up in the mansion."

"Heck you're not even the second or third biggest screw up in the mansion," Todd laughed. "And congrats Rogue and Nightcrawler! You guys just got a new daddy! Again you traded up!"

"Which reminds me you and Kurt are going to spend a lot more time with us as a family," Mystique said. "Except during Sunday mornings. That's when Charles and I want to…sleep in."

"Oh God…" Kurt cried out. All of the sudden the room started to spin and everything was wobbly. Then it all exploded.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Rogue shot out of bed screaming. "PROFESSOR!"

"Oh dear…" Ororo just happened to be walking the hallways at the time. "Not **another** one!"

"NO! NO! NO! NO!" Rogue burst out of her room in her pajamas with a wild look in her eyes. "Gotta stop it! Gotta stop it!"

"Stop what? Rogue! Calm down!" Ororo intercepted her. "What is it child?"

"Please for the love of God tell me that the Professor is not married to Mystique!" Rogue yelled.

"Of course not why would…?" Ororo began. "Wait did you eat those green holiday cookies?"

"Uh yeah why would…?" Rogue began. "No…She didn't!"

"I'm afraid so," Ororo sighed. "Kitty sneaked a batch of cookies into the mix. I'm sorry Rogue I wasn't able to stop her in time."

"Ugh…." Rogue winced in pain.

"Rogue why don't you join Kurt and the others in the kitchen for some bicarbonate?" Ororo sighed. "Apparently whatever Kitty put in those things has given everyone nightmares."

"Thank God it was a dream…" Rogue muttered. "Now that I know it was just a nightmare I'm gonna give Kitty one!"

"Go to the kitchen and take a number…" Ororo instructed. "Logan is planning an intervention in the morning."

"Does this intervention include _knives_ and sticks of **dynamite?**" Rogue snarled as she went to the kitchen.

_Storm? What's all the commotion? I sense my students in agony_, Xavier's mental summons was heard.

"Nothing much Charles," Ororo sighed knowing the Professor could hear her. "Kitty's latest cooking disaster gave everyone nightmares again. Something about you marrying Mystique. You really should do something about banning her from the kitchen."

_ Me marrying Mystique? That's…disturbing._

"I know. Three out of four students have had the same nightmare," Ororo grumbled. "I don't know what she put in those cookies…I'd better go downstairs and prevent a riot."

_Not a bad idea_, Xavier sent the summons from his bed_. I'll have a talk with them after breakfast. _

"Me marrying Mystique? What exactly does Kitty put in those cookies?" Xavier mused as he sat in bed.

Something stirred beside him. "Morning Darling," Mystique purred. "Now let's talk about wills…"

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Xavier shot out of bed from the nightmare. He then looked at the side of his bed. He picked up a half-eaten green cookie.

"That's it! First thing in the morning I'm banning Kitty from the kitchen for life!" Xavier groaned.

"Good," Mystique groaned from her side of the bed. "Because I think I'm going to be sick…"

"As am I…" Xavier moaned. "Please let this be another nightmare…"

**Or is it? He he he….I wonder…**


End file.
